Schering Plough CEO Sees Image of ENHANCE Trial Outcome in Piece of Toast
For Immediate Release: 20 February 2008
Amazing Toast provides explanation
(PMPA-London) There has been much excitement over the mysterious prediction of the Vytorin clinical trial (Enhance) and how and what Schering Plough knew and when. Schering Plough has been dogged by accusations and questions about predictive sales of stock, reporting delays and misconduct. There have been questions about mathematical expertise and honesty. Now it appears that the mystery is solved.
An unnamed insider initially reported that a Schering Plough executive was about to eat his breakfast, when an unusual toast pattern caught his eye. "I was about to butter my toast when I realized that there was an unusual pattern of darker crumbs which meant that the Enhance trial was a bust". "It was the beginning of the end, and I immediately went out and sold £25,000,000 worth of my company stock" the executive added.
The actual piece of toast has been retained by Congressional and State investigators and the original toast is copyright to Schering-Plough CEO Fred Hassan. We can therefore only show this image of an unmanipulated slice of toast.
Ever since news of the parallel scientific universe of the ENHANCE study made headlines, Schering Plough and Merck have been inundated with requests to explain several mysterious events. "Now we are satisfied that everything is fully explained" said Hassan. "There has been no fraud. We need to look at the totality of the evidence, including the toast."
"This is astounding news" said Dr Nissen, "seeing is not believing".
"God in heaven forbid that a company profit from helping sick people" said a spokesperson from the Center for Medicine in the Public Interest (Drug Wonks). "Why don't we just not offer any treatment and then we will never have to worry about being accused of conducting shoddy science". "We'll just have thousands of people dying of heart attacks all over the place. Of course there will be arguments about the meaning of the toast. It remains a pity, though, that so much premature confusion has been created in the minds of the public simply by individuals who want science to work in the way it has traditionally worked".
If you'd like more information about this topic, or to schedule an interview with Fred Hassan, please call Carrie Cox at 666/25-MILLION or E-mail Carrie at firstname.lastname@example.org
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